Inside Barclay's Head

What's "Inside Barclay's Head"? Well, this is the place to find out. That is, this is place where you can take a peek into what I am thinking about the class.

You see, a lot of what happens in my classes is not what I do, but what I do with the class. I really enjoy my students and form a close rapport with them. While the virtual classroom can replace the activities that we do in class, I am not sure it can form that same rapport. So, I wanted to create a place that would be something of a "dumping ground" for my thoughts. It's a way to try and recreate the dynamic I love most about teaching. We'll see if it works.

Jump to what's in my head now.

January 22, 2002
Well, it's the first day of classes, and I have to admit I am nervous. I guess I'm always nervous for the first few seconds in front of a new class, but somehow I am especially nervous now. I'm not sure how this all is going to work, and maybe I shouldn't admit that. But I have always been dead honest with my classes, and it's always paid off.

I am wondering how this is all going to work. I am wondering what I can do to make sure everyone in this online class succeeds. I guess it's a matter of personal pride; after all, I have never failed a student who stuck with it and came to all my classes. But sometimes I've helped a student through the class with something like sheer brute will power, and I am not sure that's available in the nonspace of cyberspace.

Then again, I am confident. If anyone can make this class work, I can. And I will do what it takes--WHATEVER it takes--to make sure these students succeed.

January 23, 2002
What was at first only nervousness now turns to excitement.

I've heard from three of my expos online students already, and I am starting to really get into this class. I guess, in part, it was "virtually" meeting some of the students (and, actually, one of the students, C., had a great suggestion for next run of this class--a one-time, in-person orientation). Part of what's cool is the immediate casualness of online communication. In a real classroom, it takes time for people to "loosen up" and start doing things like call me "Barclay," but people are used to being informal online. The few emails I have already received are great--just them talking to me without all this "professor" stuff getting in the way.

I guess this also makes me realize that I am ready for a class like this. After all, I am incredibly comfortable online. Between email and web work at work, and email and chat and web work at home, well, I spend most my life online, and it's an environment that feels like home. That makes me think that this class can be, not only possible, but wildly successful. It's like I'm in my element, and it seems like the students are as well.

Speaking of "feeling at home," it's also way-cool to come home at lunch, change into comfy clothes, launch winamp for some kickin' teachin' tunes, and get to work on the class. This is the pattern of work I am thinking about for each "class period": share what's in my head, answer student emails, participate in the dicussions in the forum, prep the pages for the next class. Sounds do-able.

Anyway, I want to get into the fray. I have a lot to share with these students. I'm still a little concerned since there are 11 students MIA, but I'll spend Friday hunting them down if I have to. I think it's important for us all to get into the rhythm of this class ASAP.

January 24, 2002
I have to say I'm impressed by these students so far. When I used a forum in regular classroom, it took some amount of time for the students to really interact in the online space. Rather than talking to each other, they'd all just be asnwering the question I started a thread with. Eventually, those students learned to actually discuss online. But it took time.

Not so here. From the get go, these students are actually talking to each other. That gives me a GREAT deal of hope for this class.

There are still concerns, though. I feel frazzled at home now "teaching" this class. I bounce back and forther between email and the forum and the webpage for the next class and the spreadsheet I am using to keep track of it all. I get confused: is this webpage I'm building for today? Well, no, it's for the class on Tue, but I'm making it today, posting it today.

Argh! I am hoping I will get the hang of it. It seems like the students already have. I wonder if they're using their private forum. Since I took away my own access to it, I don't even know if it has a post. Well, I guess if they feel the need to talk amongt themselves, it's there.

OK. Off to work out the webpage for the next class. Later, all.

January 29, 2002
My concerns are returning, both for myself and for my students.

Forum participation has been sparse, and that's a serious problem. Usually, I have 80 minutes of face-to-face time to discuss and essay with my students and from that I can sense if they need more time to understand the essay or if we're good to go. But the forum is not a classroom. I think that will be my mantra for this class. Very few students have followed through with the required postings so far, which does not bode well for the class. I don't blame them, really. After all, most of them took this section of Expos because they had crazy schedules. In some ways, it's not right to expect them to have things done by a certain time. But I don't know how to make the class work otherwise.

I think that's my big fear: I don't know how to make this class work. It may be that the "lecture" pages I put up for each class will work in the end (and if they don't I will figure something else out), but for now I have some serious doubts. Rough drafts for paper one are due soon. That will give me a good indicator of how things are going. I may have to make some serious adjustments from there.

The good news is that many of these students seems strong, so I guess I know everything will be OK. It's just scary now, you know?

Supplement: feeling better now, having just gone to the forums. People are IN class, actually, in the total sense of being in something. Hope renews.

February 06, 2002
Well, we're just now into a grand experiment within this grand experiment. We're going to try more flexible scheduling for the class. After all, students took this class because they had crazy schedules--it really didn't (in the end) make sense to have them stick to one anyway. I'm hopefuly, and a bit excited--mostly because the students are taking some lead in what's going on, and are actively shaping the class.

But then again (of course), I am worried--grand or not, this is all still an experiement. I see in my head all that could go wrong with this arrangement. OK, it's nothing disastrous, but it IS worrisome enough for me to keep an eye on things. If my students are at risk because of this, we will need to think of something else.

February 07, 2002
I find myself alternating between hope and despair. The flex time experiment is something I really WANT to work, and yet I don't see it working yet. I am concerned that my students are not devoting the time they need to this class. Yes, I understand that they took 101 online because they had difficult and/or hectic schedules, but it's also true they should be spending a minimum of 160 minutes a week on this class (that's equal to two class periods). Maybe they are, but the discussion in the forum has been thin, and that has me very concerned.

At the same time, I'm not sure how to proceed with them. I don't want to come off sounding like a (pardon the expression) hard ass, but I'm worried that if I DON'T become a hard ass they're going to fail. This, of course, is not so much an issue in a regular classroom. Not only would this whole problem not exist, but more crucially, I am used to have a strong and easy and comfy rapport with my students. I don't think I have that online, and I don't know how to make that happen online, which is the real problem with becomign a hard ass.

Then again, teaching is NOT a popularity contest. If it comes to it, I will drop down on them like a ton of bricks. They have their safe house forum to bitch about me, and maybe if I do become a hard ass they'll bond around that and do well just to spite me. But, I will say this, I will NOT let this class be a disaster. That will NOT happen--no matter what I have to do.

Sigh. Hope. Despair. Ugh.

February 19, 2002
I have never felt so frustrated by a class, so stressed, do helpless, so demoralized. I get (literally) this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when i think about this class. I want it to succeed, but sometimes it feels like I'm the only one who does. Big changes coming. We'll see what happens next week.

March 05, 2002
Well, I have to say, I am encouraged. Paper Two was (across the board) very strong, and Paper Three looks like it will be as well. I've decided to take a bigger risk and turnover discussion to the class. I know they can do it, but I don't know if they will. If only people could drop by the forum more often. Sigh.

March 07, 2002
It's time to be honest.

I just got finished with the page for today's class. I'm giving them permission to forego discussion entirely, and as I did so, I wrote:

Let me be clear: I don't do this to be passive aggressive; I don't do this as some odd form of punishment; I don't do this from anger or even from my profound sense of disappointment. I do this because I've tried just about everything else and, now, I am willing to believe that what I have always held true about teaching 101 (the importance of discussion, for example) may not be true. I am willing, in other words, for all of you to prove me wrong by skipping discussion and then doing well on Paper Four. Best of luck to you all.

I want to believe that's true, but a part of me knows that it's not. A part of me is hoping that they do disastrously on Paper Four, so that I can go back and say "I told you so." It's the "give them all the rope they want so they can hang themselves" part of me and I am not sure I like it.

But what other choice do I have?

I think part of the problem is that students don't really understand teaching. I imagine they think of teaching as job, but they don't know the kinds of personal investments involved. In the end, it's much more like a relationship, and it's as though I were being snubbed by a lover, so it leaves me pissy and moody and vindictive. They don't know, I guess, how much energy--how much of ME--I have put in this class, so they probably don't realize that when no one participates, I feel let down. It almost--ALMOST--hurts.

I miss the classroom. I always have such a bond with my classes. We laugh and laugh. We actually have fun. Our class COULD be the same. The forum COULD be a blast. But it's not. I'm tired of checking 2-3 times a day and seeing nothing. I'm tired of posting and posting and prompting and encouraging and coddling and getting zilch in return.

So yes, there is something passive aggressive about today's class. Then again, what other option did I have? In the end, no matter my motivation (noble or petty), there are few other choices. And, this one was worth a try. Because maybe they ARE right--maybe we DONN'T need discussion.

We'll see.